my mind running the midnight marathon.
Another thing I’ve learned in my self-discovery journey is the beauty of moving on.
Instead, you have a better choice - you can progress and move on and work for newfound (and hopefully), better happiness.
The solution was so simple and obvious but I needed someone to tell it to me straight to my face.
I needed that jerk of sensibility. A big slap.
Its practically the only thing you learn from all these action movies - revenge, sadness, redemption - all of it would conclude to some hot chick/guy convincing the hero (before the hero attempts to do something stupid) that past is past and you have to let it go and start new. Most of the time the heroes succumb to their advice and stop doing whatever they’re doing, some end up dying because they’ve went too far.. or something like that. Er, right.
I’m taking a token out of action movies, I’d never thought I’d say this but..
I’m liberated.
It feels so good.
I have a halo above my head.
It’s sort of like an epiphany, really.
Its like someone has taken off heavy black wraps from eyes and I’m seeing the world for the first time. Complete with my eyes widening as big as a continent and the fake big jaw-drop. Its like the expression of that girl in Enchanted when she came to New York. The one who talked to birds.
So now, I’m rather happy with my new found positivity. At least, I have the main idea of where I’m heading to, how I’m going heading to it and who the hell is actually heading to it.
I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in myself for having such pathetic posts full of emotions and melodrama.
I think its because I’ve been eating a lot, and all the fat I’ve gained chose to stick in between my brain cells to breed so my brain is now diabetic and dysfunctional… (Not that thats an excuse to explain why I’ve never gained weight, of course, why would I do that?) *.*
RANDOM 1:
RANDOM 2:
Why is it that now hanging out with friends revolves around substances and taking pictures have become the event? What happened to plain old lepak? Where you talk and laugh for no apparent reason?
Internet I blame you.
Yeah.
RANDOM 3:
I must say that I’m searching for something as well, but I can’t narrow it down to special company. I don’t know what the heck I’m looking for.
Someone says I’m in denial and that I’m sad in the inside but pretending that I’m OK.
But in reality, honestly.. I just don’t give a crap about it.
To me its like, if it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, too bad.
You’re right.
I can take care of myself.
So yeah. Chill as life goes…
RANDOM 4:
You see our lives, no matter how distant from one another, we’ll always find each other back again. It’s like we’re made of a single rare substance - alienated from other substances - trying so hard to keep up with the challenges internally and externally to fit in with the other substances, but without knowing that we are made of one, and without valuing it.
Post European after another, left me lost in my personal battle of thoughts, have come to make me realize that the external forces in my life are not what they seem.
You have brought it on to yourself.
Expect, expect.
Why…?
How difficult it is to roll the words of my tongue, or to transfer them to the tip of my fingers, only God knows. I only know how to envy blessed souls with the ability to dish out feelings in public whereas I am having major headaches trying to even hear what my heart is saying. But a word of warning,
Enjoying time as it passes by…
Someone thinks I’m pathetic and suggests I need to go out and socialize more.
I am too lazy to argue with Someone’s matter-of-fact opinions as it is like forcing a three-year-old to choose greens over chocolate… fruitless.
I hate you College.
Sorrow.
The basic rule of it is this, the clock is your enemy. The more you look at it, the slower time goes. I for one can’t really do such a thing right now. Since deadlines for multiple assignments are ticking away and I have to track time to manage myself. But still, the choice between waiting time to slip by and wanting it to stand still doesn’t apply here. Since I want it to stop so that I would have more time to spend at home, but at the same time I want it to pass by, the usual feeling when your doing petty work you’re just not interested in. So wanting them both at the same time just makes you just get torn up. It strips your mind off sanity for a fleeting second. I’m typing this post for a while, to put my mind at ease for a while from all the work I’ve been doing for the past hours.
I could hear faint screams out beside my house from my room which I’ll be leaving in a few more days. After a while I could hear clearly what they were chanting, it was Christmas wishes. Then it hit me, in 15 more days I’ll be coming back to KMS. Somehow, the reality of starting classes back still hasn’t hit me, yet, I suppose. Man, this is just getting too depressing, I need to get out..
In six more days it’ll be 7 months already. I can’t believe it’s already been that long and it’s only been that much at the same time. It feels like decades since those days, but still, saying 7 months just gives out a feeling at the edge of your tongue. Been trying to bury myself in work and doing a lot of reading. Been trying to distance myself. Trying to stay above ground.
But at the back of my mind it just comes back little by little. Like looking through stained glass I can see those moments in silence. Those words left unsaid. Those mistakes I had made. I guess I still haven’t learned.
I promised Ain I would be going to KL to celebrate the new years eve with them, like last year. But it seems that money has become an issue for me for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been spending more than rm 600 on clothes this month. I need a therapist.
And why?
Respect goes for those who don’t deserve it? It should be respect for those with brain capacities enough to feed starving Africans. Those who serve the country. Revolutionary minds.
Ugh. Disgusting.
I think I’m paranoid.
Just got out of a movie with enna the other day. Man, good thing I found a cab that morning. Was able to persuade the cab driver to cut some slack. And hei people, it does no harm trying to engage a conversation with them. The favor would usually be returned back. Heck, they’re quite bored people with having to drive all day and what not.
Anyhow, assignments piled up from a hill to everest in one day. Haven’t done a thing. Heck, haven’t TOUCHED a thing. Haha. Quite remarkable how the tides change so effin’ fast.
Went out with mama the other day, she was looking for some stuff.
But while I was waiting for her , which was a couple of hours away, I found
myself quite puzzled on what should I do in the meantime. I even somehow forgot to bring my copy of “The Kite Runner”. But then, I realized, why bother, there’s MPH upstairs!
So I ended up searching for the book there. Found it and went off where I left, which was around the sixth chapter. Heck, starting from now why
should I even bother experimenting with books that might not interest me later on, when I could just spend hours reading it first there and buy it if it’s enough to catch my attention! x)
But after a few chapters I laid the book down for something I’ve been searching for months. A book that was recommended by someone I knew. Someone I knew well..
once. Yeah, you.
As I asked the counter for the book, went off to look for it and there it was, the lowest shelf, hiding flawlessly in between large paperbacks towering beside it, just one book by itself. No other books by the same
author accompanying it. Just itself, as it was there waiting for me to find it all this while,
“The Perks of Being A Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky.
Quite the little four leaf clover it was. I started on reading it’s pages almost instantly. And after a few chapters through, it really was as good as she said. Perhaps it’ll join my shelf one day.
And btw, the movie that I watched was actually KAMI and Eagle Eye. Other titles didn’t interest me much. God I can’t wait for next year’s summer movies to come out! xI
But hei, KAMI turned out to be fairly good, compared to other typical kiss ass comedy movies. I mean, when will Malaysian mainstream movies grow up from their hollow comedy. No offense, I support Malaysia’s effort for good movies, but you’ve just got to face the fact that the comedies just AIN’T FUNNY!!! And most of the time the scripts are just too.. “scripty” and cheesy.
But KAMI was a bit of a dissappointment with the ending and all. I was oh come on! Which everyone in the cinema heard their share of my opinion. Heh. The way it ended was just a bit cliche for a malaysian youth movie. I don’t want to spoil it but those who know what happened should know what I mean. Also, the movie started off really good with making thing’s intertwine and connect.
But around the ending everything just get’s summarised up to one quick ending. Like a director out of film it ended just like that. When in fact it had a lot of potential to go on. I would have rather have it go on as a series so the plotline could evolve and end better. I mean, they could’ve made much
more script if it wasn’t cut down to only two hour movie screening. Heck, what happened to Sofia and her mom? And Jamal?
And to tell you the truth, the best actor in the movie in my opinion aren’t the 5, but the Mat Dadah dude. Heck, he did the lines with such ease which literally made me think mamat nih mesti betul2 mmg jual “barang” oh dlm dunia sebenar. haha.
Other than that Liyana Jasmay’s acting was quite good. But still, they could’ve improved the script a whole lot better if they’d just didn’t try to be so formal. Mencarut ah skali skala weh. But hei, maybe they didn’t want to give FINAS a green light to wave their censore stick around I guess. Still, heck, the last scene in the movie was CENSORED. I was giggling for quite a while because of that one. Hah.
Anyhow, I guess it’s a good start for Malaysian movies I guess. But still, this isn’t THE first Malaysian movie to step out of the background. Though I can’t recall what those other movies were, but you know, by that one creative lady director. Anyhow, just hope that Malaysian movies will improve in the future. Malaysia boleh!
selamat hari raya!
disebbkan kali ni special edition nak ckp psl raye, aku pon nak post dlm bm.
sedar atau tidak, dah sebulan kita puasa. Begitu cpt mase berlalu kn?
Rasa mcm sekejap je kte puasa dh nak raya, padahal, dulu mase 1st day puasa, rasa mcm jauh lg perjlnan. Tup tap tup tap, tu dia, dh sebulan. Hebat mase ni.
tp adatlah kan, smakin lama smakin kita membesar, perasaan keseronokan raya itu semakin pudar, adat dunia. mmg mcm tu. bkn nk kata dh tak smngt sbb tak dpt duit raya atau sbb lain, tp entahla. masing2 rasa benda yg sama kn?
mungkin sbb perubahan masa dan tempat yg kita alami. mcm aku sdiri, aku tak nafikan aku dh smakin membesar, belajar mengenal erti matang dan dunia, akuy berhijrah menyambung pelajaran kt kms tu ha. ble kite dh duk sana, ngn kwn2, bkn dgn keluarga. rasa mcm hilang kemeriahan raya tu. knp ek? sbb ble kite dh tak duduk umah tu, kite dh jrg nmpk iklan raya kt tv,klua shopping mall tgk sale raya, tgk org bkr ketupat lemang, dgr lagu raya, sbb semua tu kot. kn? boleh main peranan jugak tu.
dulu kecik2, tu dia seminggu nk raya dh, masing2 bontot tak duduk diam. excited. nk beraya g kumpul duit raya. harus kn. komfiden g raya rumah semua org. haha tah kenal tah tidak. janji dpt duit raya kn. skrg? dh tak pikir lgsg dh psl duit raya, skrg ni pemikiran kite dh smakin matang,(bg aku le) kte dh taw ape makna raya sbenanye. just nk g visit sedare mare, sahabat andai, kite beraya. bermaaf-maafan, duduk borak mkn kuih raya. itu bru raya! suasana itu sdiri sbenarnye. best sgt. takyah sibuk2 nk g raya umah org tgh2 panas lps zuhur tu kan, haha. tunggu je org calling utk open hse. hehe. kalau boleh, sebulan2 tu lah nk ada open hse. meletop sgt. LOVE open hse! ;p
ni nk sum up nk cite penglmn first puasa kt kms. bln puasa ni rasa mcm bulan yg plg best skali kalau duk kt kms. stadi, tgk movie, lps tu lpk smpi tah pkl brp pagi la tak reti2 nk tido katanya. and tido lah selalunye pkl 2,3 pagi, esp akhir2 puase. lps tu pkl 5 nk bgn lg nk sahur.tup tap tup tap cuti ray dh. msg2 dh blk negeri msg2. sebak jugak rasa hati ni. yelah, msg2 blk tak sabar nk beraya dgn keluarga kan. harus.
oklah dh terlanjur kt sini, nk amek kesempatan lah ucap:
selamat hari raya aidilfitri semua! esp besties aku syireen, fatin, akmal, fuad, apam, aidi, bing, fara, nard, bella, farah, aina, pika, chong, fadh, ain, naza dan ramai lg. slmt hari raya korg. maaf zahir dan batin.
LOVE korg.
emm itu sajalah kot. take care semua, raikan raya dgn cermat. ingtlah org tersyg J
light at the end of the tunnel
Sometimes I wish I dont have to feel anything. If I had a choice, I want to be absolutely heartless. I don’t want to feel sad; happy; loved; disappointed… I don’t want to feel a thing. But God granted us emotions for reasons.. your not living life without emotions. So here I am, accepting life as it is, trying hard not to feel, but failing in doing so.. Seeing myself in the mirror is the hardest thing to do right now… to put on a smile and push away my feelings. But I guess thats what I do best.
I believe that better things are ahead of me, and I shall dwell on that thought until it actually happens. Even though my heart is oozing in pain right now and my head can’t think clearly, a side of me is really fed up with the whole deal. To dwell upon something so ridiculous and worthless; only to get more upset; and subsequently wasting my time by succumbing to the emotion… why?
Love branches into a lot of emotions, and at times we’re too caught up with one of the emotions that we forget why we even began loving in the first place.
So I’m just going to ponder my thoughts upon the positives that I’ve gained throughout the whole ordeal, and instead of feeling humiliated and angry, I’m trying to think of the good memories of the person i fell in love with in the first place as opposed to the thing that formed in the end.
That way, I subconciously remind myself of the great times with him, and those great times tend to override the other negative feelings that unraveled in the end. I remind myself of the good times, funny times, stuff I’ve learned, mistakes I’ve done, smiling moments, aww-so-sweet moments..
I did that the whole day today, it made me feel better
I don’t feel so bad because its like.. I had a good time, so FUCK all the bad shit that happened, I’ll just focus on the best that came out of it
I’m SO young, I should be out there laughing and giggling like a hormone imbalanced 13 year old who gets shy when you talk about pubic hair.
Theres so much I can do that can uplift my spirits and distract me from bathing in this disgusting pool of depression.
Granted, I will feel that sucky breakup feeling for quite some time, and I’m inevitably going to depress myself before I go to sleep at night for a while, but I hope it will be over soon. If my moping goes out of line and drags on too long, lads and gents, do have the thought of introducing a fine young man to me.. preferably funny and kind ones; with bags full of money and sexually appealing features please(kidding); the act will be much appreciated :p
So now that I have a closed chapter in my life, I will begin my new chapter with my newfound knowledge and a lighter heart.
I am to focus on my studies (I blew my Physics midterm paper and my Maths paper last tuesday), go out with friends and attend parties with the most OHMYGOD IM NOT IN KMS IM SO EXCITED expression and spend quality time with my parents (who were the sweetest parents on earth at the peak moments of my dark times), keep up with all my good friends, shop like its no ones business and find new hobbies to put my head into.
I refuse succumb to, and am absolutely disgusted by, the whole im-depressed-i-want-to-kill-myself-and-run-away-from-home-and-make-drastic-actions thing girls have when they face problems in their lives.
I’m sorry, but I am so much more above that.
:p
hehe.
OHMYGOD
I just reread this entire post and it’s ALL about a guy and EMOTIONS
Dear lord. I have so grown! Goddamit, such an impact this stupid guy has made.
random..
I just don’t get why some of the keropok lekor vendors give the customers very little amount of sauce. and some don’t even give one.the sauce is like the most important thing in a keropok lekor’s life.keropok tanpa sauce bagaikan music tanpa lyrics.
I was actually planning not to blog at all today since I don’t think I can find anything interesting to blog about.but, I was honestly quite excited thinking about continuing my studies at KMS this July.out of ALL things I am actually excited about studying.ngaha.I just wish that I was sent to somewhere further but KMS is good enough lah.
LOTS of pictures that I just discovered in my cds for the first time ahead!btw…I honestly don’t think that I would get the scholarship without akak and mama and abah…because they indirectly influence me to take chemical engineering and mama made me realise that I was not qualified to take the medical course (the fact that I’m terrified of blood).I have never even thought that chemical engineering could be that fun before akak told me about it…so since I was qualified to take the chemical engineering course, I decided to take chemical engineering instead.so…
Even though chemical engineer is not really my dream job, but I’m definitely on the way of making my dream of studying in University of New South Wales come true..honestly, my dream has always been getting involve in the medical industry.I’ve always been interested in Biology.
OWH AND I just remembered why I wanted to go study in Australia in the first place…I WANTED TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY DURING MY BREAK!!! And to wear a friggin’ trenchcoat.
Haha. How superficial is that!
Almost there… AUSTRALIA.
After sheepishly counting the days i had to wait for the MARA scholarship results, (and PETRONAS), and multiplying it with the hours and minutes i had to endure per day, and deducting my lazy days at home,
”I am squinting at the clock, with my fists ready. I will abuse myself. I will punch my eye out so that the god of clocks will have mercy on me.” i thought.
FINALLY, i want to officially announce that i got both the scholarships that i wanted. but first, i have to do A-level in Kolej Mara Seremban. Fadhylla also got the same college as i do, which i’m very excited about, but she’s still deciding on to whether to go for MARA or PETRONAS. i’d really love her to study there in KMS with me. i miss her so much.
ANYWAY.
now that i’ve accomplished my goal(not really there yet), i know i have to place my priorities straight. i will be doing A-level there for 2 years, and we’ll see how it goes.
i’m thinking of persuing a degree in:
1. University of Adelaide(they have the best chemical engineering course in australia.)
2. National University of Australia(it’s the top university in australia and is ranked at no 16 in the world)
3. University of Melbourne(one of the best universities in the world-ranked at no 22)
THANK GOD. i’m just…speechless.
congkakaka
Before I shoot off with an argument about my boring life, I would like to take this oppurtunity to scream THANK GOD ITS SATURDAY!!
I thought I’d never live to this day of the week. You know, when you start lepaking at home all day, your parents are busy working it just kicks in into your system that weekend happens to be EVERYTHING to you. My life is so lame that when I meet people I actually have something to write. I met people a lot of people a few days back, but that time wasnt a pretty moment.
Yesterday when I smsed my mum about going out with dabell, my mum immediately called me
mama: sape dabell?
arliya: kawan lame ya, da lame tak jumpe.
mama: nanti bile die da sampai bagitau mama, mama nak jumpe die.
arliya: huh..ok ok.
(I then rushed and smsed dabell.)
arliya: my mum nak jumpe you. be prepared.
dabell: ouh..ok ok.
Then at some point my mum turun from her hotel room and met me and Dabell. Dabell surprisingly gave her this innocent look that I’ve never seen before on his face. It was really hillarious. they chatted a bit, then we were off to watch a movie.
pffttt…
I guess I always overlook the best things in life.
I love you mama
I had a great time touring malacca with Dabell. I can’t even believe I was like really touring for real. We went to these old buildings (supposedly historical) - A’Famosa and the other which I didn’t take notice of the name and the story behind the building. That place was soo high above we had to climb the stairs and I was jogging my way through but Dabell as usual always behind me; a little slow but it’s okay.
We were sweating like hell and thank goodness they sold packet of tissues up there and I bought two- one for me and the other for dabell.
As soon as we reached the top, the view was breathtaking. We had to stop for a while. Surprisingly, there was quite a number of tourists I saw, which is quite unusual in jb. and malacca is much much cleaner than jb.ouhhh I’m so disappointed.
then we watched the ever-so-scary movie(as recommended by hamizi), congkak. Me and Dabell agree on one thing throughout the whole movie. The actors are freaking hillarious.
shortly after the movie ended, we went straight into dabell’s car and drove miles away, overlooking the city of malacca. BLA bla bla. Then somehow I ended up meeting his mum. And a few other people at his new home that I’m not quite acquainted to. I swear to god. My hati was so gembira it nearly terkeluar out of my bra. I’ve never felt this gembira meeting people for a very long time. everything seems so pretty and colorful, new, and exciting!!!!
Anyway, the past few days at home, I’ve been subjecting myself to play online games and I’ve gone off from a Beginner to an Expert in an hour! *muka bangga*.
I’m tired. I’ll update later. I really hope Dabell doesn’t read this, I know he won’t. But if you do, hehe.. What can I say..
So then he told me to layan him as he layan-ed me the other day if he happens to visit jb. I will treat you like a royal prince..xD
back to the future
So today i decided to write back in my blog.
Anyway, things are different nowadays. I think I grew up a lot since I finished school, hehe.
A lot has changed. A LOT.
I dont think I was the same person I was a coupla years back. Of course, everyone changes in time, but I think I’ve changed dramatically. I dont know if anyone else noticed this, but I have.
Anyway, lets not dwell into my heartfelt emotions and thoughts, I just want to keep this entry simple and direct. And maybe long…
I havent been talking to a lot of people lately. People who I really "talked" to months back. I dont really know why. Sometimes I wonder if they actually notice this. I mean, people change, and somehow however close you are to a friend, the minute you get a new boyfriend, move houses, move to another SCHOOL, change sets of friends, that kinda thing, you immediately find yourself busy and occupied, and those phone calls/sms’s and lepak sessions just decrease gradually over the years. Sometimes I think I’m just sometimes too lazy to pick up the phone and plan a lepak session. Everyones just too "occupied" nowadays. Whatever it is, they should know that eventhough mereka jauh di mata, tapi dekat di hati.
I do sometimes think some friends of mine have given up on me. They think I’m too "sombong" and "kerek" nowadays. Maybe I am. I don’t know. The problem is that a lot of my friends, don’t really hang in ONE big group, they’re all scattered and are totally different people, so it makes it hard for me to be in different places with different groups all the time. And plus, some of my bestfriends live in kl, and like, I have to be the one who ajak them to go out whenever I go to kl, and not them.pfft.
And unlike a lot of other girls, I dont have that whole "girl-friend" group. It was always me, gkar, syireen, fatin, akmal, fuad, apam, aidi and syahir growing up. I’ve known syireen since primary, since she first came to Malaysia and ive been stuck to her eversince. They’ve always been my comfort zone. I guess this is why its hard for me to make new friends, and to trust.
Despite all that, I still found very interesting, amazing, uber awesome friends back then when I was in BP. Great friends I tell you. Yeah you, Fadh, and Ain, and a bunch of other coollll friends.
and boys…..haha…wow, you know, I dont even know HOW I could actually have that many ex bfs.
and I didnt even like every guys i dated (except for one)…yeah, I was a kid. nowadays I dont even think it was even a ‘real’ relationship….not that I know so much about relationships.
I actually never really had a ‘real’ relationship. even all the konon serious relationship I had, seems really stupid and naive to me now. all the decisions made and all the reaaaallly stupid fights and breakups are soooo immature and well, plain STUPID.
really, I was just such a bimbo back then, I would just love to go back in time and bitchslap myself. *sighs*
anyway, my brother, Azri, is 15(FORM 3) now..he’s sooo tall now. i wish he wouldnt grow up so fast. if I find you speaking to girls in a weird way like "Why are you saying ‘kau aku’? So ganas la you ni" I’ll hit your head so hard with kuali. some of you might agree with this post, some of you don’t, but he is my brother and I personally hate boys that think they are such city-boys. seriously.
now im looking through some of these friendster profiles and im getting annoyed for no apparent reason. do you get that or am I just plain weird? do you just wish sometimes some people would just GO AWAY or like VANISH. ugh. I know thats like supreme egoistic bitchy mean girls-y but like im sorry I just cant help it. but its like SO stupid because it is the frikin internet, like why would you be mad at internet people???!! like goddamitt!!
I decided to plan out my life (very not remaja, ugh).
things to look forward to:
1. results from MARA scholarship.
2. PETRONAS interview, which is this wednesday bty.
3. to decide whether or not I want to study in KMJ.
4. driving lessons (yes, I haven’t taken my lessons yet. ape ketawe2?)
5. UPU results.
bty, if you’re wondering, here’s what I got for my SPM: *drum roll*
BM A1
BI A1
SEJ A1
AG A2
KI A2
PHY A1
ADM A1
EST A2
BIO A2
MT A1
There goes my dream to be a chemical engineer.
Anyway, I’m tired. I’ll update later.
c’ya!